A man went into a pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy a pet that could do everything. The shop owner suggested a faithful dog.

'No,' said the customer. 'A dog can't do everything. When was the last time you saw a dog doing the ironing?'

'How about a cat?' said the shop owner.

'No, cats are too independent. Even if they could do everything, they wouldn't.'

The shop owner thought for a minute, then said: 'I've got it! A centipede!'

The man said: 'A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede being able to do everything. But it's certainly different. Go on then, I'll have a centipede.'

So the man took the centipede home and said to it: 'Clean the kitchen.'

Half an hour later he walked into the kitchen and it was spotless. All the dishes and cutlery had been washed, dried and put away. The counter tops were sparkling clean, the floor was waxed, everything looked immaculate. The man was amazed. So he said to the centipede: 'Go clean the living room.'

Twenty minutes later he walked into the living room. The carpet had been vacuumed, the furniture dusted and polished, the cushions on the sofa plumped, even the pot plants watered. The man was truly impressed and said to himself: "This really is a pet that can do everything.'

Next he asked the centipede: 'Run down to the corner shop and get me a newspaper.'

The centipede walked out the door. Ten minutes, later it still wasn't back with the newspaper . . . twenty minutes, no centipede . . . thirty minutes, still no centipede. Wondering what was causing the delay, the man opened the front door and found the centipede sitting right outside.

'Hey!' said the man. 'I sent you down to the corner shop forty minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?'

The centipede said: 'I'm going, I'm going! Give me a chance to put my shoes on!'

A teacher called for sentences using the word "beans."

"My father grows beans," said the bright boy of the class.

"My mother cooks beans," said another pupil.

Then a third popped up: "We are all human beans.

Reminds me of two fellows who died recently and were walking the golden streets of God's celestial realm. There was more beauty and more splendor and more joy there than they had ever dreamed imaginable.

One of them turned to the other and said, "Can you believe how wonderful this is?"

The other replied, "Yes, and to think we could have gotten here ten years sooner if we hadn't eaten all that oat bran."

Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it every time he falls asleep.

The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!

Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep.

The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells: IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!

A physician went to heaven and met God, who granted him one question. So the physician asked, "Will health care reform ever occur?"

"I have good news and bad news," God replied. "The answer is yes, but not in your lifetime."

One afternoon a new pastor in town was doing the rounds of meeting his parishioners. All went well until he came to a cottage on the outskirts. Someone was obviously home, but, even though the pastor knocked on the door several times, nobody answered. Finally he took out his card and wrote on the back: 'Revelation 3:20.'

The next day as he was counting the collection, the pastor noticed that his card had been left in the plate. Below his message was written: 'Genesis 3:10.'

Revelation 3:20 reads: 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hears my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to his house and eat with him, and he will eat with me.' Genesis 3:10 reads: 'And he answered, I heard you in the garden; I was afraid and hid from you because I was naked.'

A young boy ran down the street in search of a police officer. Finding one, he begged: 'Please, officer, come back to the bar with me. My dad is in a fight.'

The policeman accompanied the boy back to the bar where he found three men involved in a fistfight. 'Okay, son,' he said to the boy. 'Now which one is your father?'

'I don't know, officer,' replied the boy. 'That's what they're fighting about!'

The new priest was trying to institute some liturgical reform in his very old-fashioned parish by teaching his parishioners the new responses. He said to them, "When I say, 'The Lord be with you,' you will reply all together, 'And with you also.' Then I will say, 'Let us pray.'"

The day came for the introduction of the new liturgy. Something happened to the microphone, and the priest, trying to adjust it, said in a loud voice, "There is something wrong with this microphone."

The congregation responded with one loud voice, "And with you also!"

Teacher : "At your age I could name all the Presidents—and in the proper order."

Bobby: "Yes, but there were only three or four of them then."

Andy: "Al is the first person you learn about when you go to school."

Sandy: "Al who?"

Andy: "Alphabet.

At a personal injury suit in Texas, a man from New York was on the witness stand. While driving from Austin to San Antonio, the New Yorker's car had been struck by a beat-up old pickup truck driven by a local rancher. The New Yorker was attempting to collect damages for his injuries.

"How can you now claim to have all these injuries?" asked the insurance company's lawyer. "I notice in the report of the Texas Ranger who investigated the accident that the very first words you said to him were that you'd never felt better in your life. And yet here we are in court, you've sued my client." He said, "Can you explain that statement?"

The New Yorker replied, "Yes, sir, I think I can. After the rancher's truck hit my car, it ran into a ditch and turned over. Now, there was a mule and a dog in that truck, and they were injured worse than the rancher or me. The Texas Ranger heard the mule braying in pain and saw that it had a broken leg. So the Ranger whipped out his pistol and shot the mule right between the eyes. Then he saw that the dog was in terrible pain, so the Ranger shot him too.

"Then he came over to me and asked me, 'Sir, how are you?' And that's when I said I never felt better in my life!"

In a slow news week, a local newspaper editor sent a young photographer to a reputedly haunted house on the edge of town in the hope of snapping some ghostly images to titillate the readership.

Any doubts the photographer might have had regarding the existence of the ghost were dispelled virtually as soon as he walked through the door of the rickety old house. For out of the darkness emerged a strange figure, complete with clanking chains.

Camera in hand, the terrified photographer spluttered: 'I'm not here to harm you -1 just want to take your photo.'

To the young man's amazement, the ghost was only too happy to oblige and for the next ten minutes he posed for a succession of shots.

Back in his dark room at the office, the photographer waited excitedly to see what he had captured on film. It could be the scoop of the century. But as he began developing the photos, he saw to his dismay that each one was black and underexposed.

Just then, the editor passed by. 'How are the pictures?' he asked.

'Well,' replied the photographer dejectedly, 'the spirit was willing but the flash was weak.'

Teacher: "Thomas, construct a sentence using the word 'archaic'."

Tommy: "We can't have archaic and eat it, too."

When John F. Kennedy was president, a prominent citizen of Washington, DC invited him to play golf. On the first hole Kennedy floated a nice shot about three feet from the pin. He walked up to the ball and glanced over at the man who had invited him. Kennedy was looking for the man to concede him the putt. The man ignored him, and stared up at the sky.

"You're certainly going to give me this putt, aren't you?" Kennedy asked.

"Make a pass at it," the man replied. "I want to see your stroke. A putt like that builds character. Besides, it will give you a little feel for the greens."

With an anguished look, Kennedy said, "I work in the Oval Office all day for citizens like you," he said. "And now you're not going to give me this putt?" The man said nothing.

"OK," Kennedy sighed. "But let's keep moving. I've got an appointment after we finish with the Director of Internal Revenue."

"The putt's good," the man said hastily. "Pick it up."

It was the height of summer and a fearful drought threatened the crops throughout the land. One hot, dry Sunday, the village clergyman told his congregation: 'The only thing that will save us is to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for the rain he will send.'

The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday. But as soon as the clergyman saw them, he was furious.

'We can't worship,' he raged. 'You do not yet believe that God will send us rain, perhaps this very day.'

They protested: 'We prayed and we do believe.'

'Believe?' he responded. 'Then where are your umbrellas?'

Little Joan, at dancing school: "You'd be a fine dancer except for two things."

John: "What?"

Joan: "Your feet!"

The disappointed young recruit in his second week of basic training was writing an irate letter to his congress-man, complaining of the many indignities and outrages to which he was being subjected. He wrote, "And the food, I can describe it only as slop. Back home, I wouldn't feed it to pigs for fear that it would poison them. No decent garbage man would have anything to do with it. And to make matters worse, they serve such small portions."

An old man boasted about his fitness to a group of youngsters. 'Every morning,' he said, 'I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups and walk two miles. I'm as fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women. And tomorrow I'm going to celebrate my ninety-seventh birthday.'

'Oh really?' said one of the youngsters. 'How?'

George failed in all his exams this spring.

"What's the meaning of this?" asked his father.

"It's not my fault," explained George. "The guy who usually sits beside me was home sick that day."

Three former Post Office workers were out fishing on a lake one day when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in their boat. The three men were amazed.

The first said humbly: 'I've suffered from back pain ever since I lifted a heavy cabinet at work. Can you help me?'

'Of course, my son,' said Jesus, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in twelve years.

The second man, who wore thick glasses, said to Jesus: 'I haven't,been able to see properly since some cleaning fluid sprayed into my face at work. Is there anything you can do to help?'

Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. As soon as the glasses hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he was able to see perfectly for the first time in ten years.

Then Jesus turned to the third man who immediately put up his arms defensively and cried: 'Don't touch me - I'm on a disability pension!'

Overheard at the hospital:

• How are the children and my good dishes?
• Bill, go downstairs to the phone booth, call this place, ask them how I'm doing, and come back and tell me, will ya?
• Let me put it this way . . . if you were a building, you'd be condemned.
• I hope I'll get to the root of your trouble, Reverend, because I've had the same thing myself for years.
• What you have is a common cold, and there is no known cure for it. But cheer up—it may run into pneumonia—and we know what to do for that!
• She's a practical nurse—she only nurses rich old men.
• Don't worry about the hospital bills, dear—they're less than you would spend if you were well!
• I'll have you out of here in a week—one way or the other.

Little Percival's mother moved to a small town where there was no private school. She reluctantly took her precious child to attend public school.

On the first day of school, she gave the teacher a long list of instructions. "My Percival is ever so sensitive," she explained. "Don't ever punish him. Just slap the boy next to him. That will frighten Percival quite enough!"

An itinerant house painter offered his services at very low prices. Unfortunately, he had the nasty habit of thinning the paint with turpentine to insure some margin of profit.

One day, he was painting the steeple high atop a church.

He thinned down the paint even more than usual for this job.

"After all," he said to himself, "nobody can really see the steeple from way down there on the ground." So he started painting with a solution that barely covered the wood. Just as he was finishing, the sky clouded over and a gale storm began to blow. The rain and wind beat against the painter and washed the paint off the steeple. Hopkins looked at the now-unpaint-ed steeple, and cried out, "What will I do now?"

From the clouds, a deep voice replied, "Re-paint, and thin no more!"

Two police officers responded to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The murder detective was already there.

'What happened?' asked the first officer.

'Male, about twenty-five, covered in Rice Krispies and dead as a doornail.'

'My God!' said the second officer. 'Didn't we have one covered in Crunchy Nut Cornflakes yesterday? And Coco Pops last week?'

'You're right,' said the detective. 'I'm afraid this is the work of a cereal killer.'

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Sh*t,' the Rottweiler ate her!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

Jake: "I et six eggs for breakfast this morning."

Teacher: "You mean ate, don't you?"

Jake : "Well, maybe it was eight I et."

A golfer was in a close match with a friend, who was leading by a couple of strokes. The golfer said to himself: 'I'd give anything to sink this next putt.'

At that moment, a complete stranger walked up to him and whispered: 'Would you give up a quarter of your sex life to sink this putt?'

The golfer immediately thought the man was crazy, and that whatever he answered would be irrelevant. But then, sensing that perhaps it was a good omen and that it might put him in the right frame of mind to sink the difficult putt, he replied: 'Okay, I would give up a quarter of my sex life in return for sinking this putt.' And he promptly sank the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbled to himself: 'Boy, if I could only get this bunker shot in the hole.'

The same stranger appeared at his side and said: 'Would it be worth another quarter of your sex life?'

'Sure,' shrugged the golfer, and he duly holed the bunker shot.

It was all down to the final hole. The golfer needed to sink a sixty-foot putt to win - an almost impossible task. Although he said nothing, the stranger appeared at his side and said: 'Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?'

'Certainly,' said the golfer, and he sank the putt.

As the golfer walked to the clubhouse, the stranger appeared alongside and said: 'You know, I've not really been fair witii you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.'

The golfer just smiled and said: 'And I haven't been fair to you. You see, my name is Brother Benedict.'

When Connie was applying for a new job, she asked the interviewer if the company would pay for her medical insurance. The interviewer replied that the cost of medical insurance was deducted from the employee's paycheck.

"The last place I worked, the company paid for it," she said.

"Did they pay for your life insurance too?"

"Yes," she said.

"And for your dental insurance?"

"Yes, they did," she answered. "Not only that, but we got unlimited sick leave, a month's vacation, a Christmas bonus, two hour lunch breaks, and free child care."

"So why did you leave such a perfect place?" the incredulous interviewer asked.

"The company went bankrupt," she replied.

"Now boys," said the teacher, "tell me the signs of the zodiac. You first, Thomas."

"Taurus, the Bull."

"Right! Now you, Harold, another one."

"Cancer, the Crab."

"Right again. And now it's your turn, Albert."

The boy looked puzzled, hesitated a moment, and then blurted out, "Mickey, the Mouse."

Ken and Steve went for a game of golf one Saturday afternoon, but Ken was under strict instructions from his wife to be back by four o'clock because she wanted him to take her shopping. Four o'clock passed, so did five o'clock and six o'clock. Eventually Ken arrived home at seven.

'Where on earth have you been?' screamed his wife.

'Honey,' said Ken, 'a terrible thing happened. We made it to the third green when Steve suddenly dropped dead of a heart attack.'

The wife felt guilty. "That's awful,' she said.

'You're telling me,' said Ken. "The rest of the round it was, hit the ball, drag Steve, hit the ball, drag Steve ...'

Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean.

—Mark Twain